Life in the rear-view mirror: Car crash

Since this blog is called ”Life in the rear-view mirror”, I figured it was time for a story of what I saw in the rear-view mirror the other day. It was something I try very hard not to fear. Because even though fear is quite a rational response to what my eyes were telling me, blind fear is rarely helpful. Every idle moment while driving (which seem to grow on trees these days as driving becomes less and less challenging) my mind occupies itself by playing out all kinds of scenarios that could occur if I mess up. First I thought it was the product of my anxiety, then I figured it was the mental doodles of my dwindling concentration, later I have found it to be quite helpful as it have gotten increasingly realistic and well calculated. Anyway, I had been over this in my head many times. I don’t remember thinking, but I acted, apparently. Because when my car shot forward, and not by its own force, I had my left foot on the clutch and the right had only just lifted from the break to let my car roll it off when about 2 tons of Audi rear-ended my little Hyundai Getz (speed limit was 70 km/h). It took my brain only a moment to come up with everything I had ever learned about collisions of this sort. Had it stuck with its normal pace I may not have flipped back to reality fast enough to remember that my car was still moving. As I hit the brakes and came to a smooth stop I was concentrating on sitting still. Why? The top result returned from my brain search was “neck injuries”. It had also bothered to come up with every memory on how to tackle this. Luckily my neck was fine. But, had my brain worked half as good as this when I try to dedicate it to my schoolwork, I would be a top student. However, my brain seem to take a particular liking to anything involving high speed and danger, so naturally, it refuses to remember anything I don’t need to know to survive such activities. I even remembered to check if the car was in gear before letting go of the clutch for crying out loud! Who the fuck remembers that while wondering if their neck is seriously injured? I wish my head had a shift stick so I could just change gear when I wanted to think this fast. I feel a bit cheated, though I should just shut up and be happy I think fast when I need to.

I also remembered something else that came in handy. If I put off driving for too long, I would be afraid, very afraid. When I finally figured enough was enough, and got behind the steering wheel again two days later, my hands were trembling, I felt sick and my eyes where wet with tears. Having just found out my Getz was damaged bad enough it would never be back on the road again didn’t help. I know it would only get worse the longer I let my fear pull my strings. When I got out on the road I was definitely getting emotional, but I found I that I was almost willing myself to drive like I was scared. I’ve always found my own relationship with negative emotions to be slightly disconcerting, but this was just downright senseless. So I quickly gave up and fell into my old habits of cutting turns and driving as fast as I can possibly justify. I was definitely scared of something, but what? I’m a pretty good driver (if I have to say so myself) and at that point in time, I might be scared of driving, but I just wasn’t scared of my own driving, if that makes any sense. The following day, I and my mum went to the nearest city, two hours away. At this point, it became clear that my newfound fear just wouldn’t take, and it was soon put in the corner by the itching in my fingers when I was in the passenger seat. I ended up driving most of the way.

I was still scared of something though. Right after the accident, the muscles in my neck was twitching uncontrollably when I was cold. I hadn’t experienced it since, but when we stopped to have a look at my car on the way home, just the sight of it had my neck twitching again. I suppose this is normal, but it really bugs me that I just can’t put my finger on exactly what I am afraid of.

At first I was quite keen on just leaving the whole thing behind and try not to think about it anymore. But this feels a bit like lying to myself, and this is probably the number one thing I just can’t wrap my stubborn head around. I am a terrible liar, and like my immune system goes after a virus, my mind will go after a lie, hunt it down and refuse to take my focus of it until it’s dead and gone, or I’m dead and gone... or I’m so sorry that I wish I was dead and gone. Any of those will do. So you can understand, I needed to work this out another way.

I came to think of those life changing revelations that I’ve heard of, the ones that happens to people when they almost die in an accident. I want one of those. I realize I didn’t almost die and my brain realizes this too, unfortunately, so I wasn’t about to get one for free any time soon. But who says I can’t make one? After all, it’s all in the mind right? And you know what they say about mind over matter and all that stuff. Who is to say that my mind didn’t almost die of fright? Okey, I don’t know where I’m going with this. It’s 3 am when I’m writing this and I’m expecting that this is starting to show... but bear with me, I’m almost done. I’m not saying I’m seriously mentally damage, it’s not time to lock me up just jet, but I was shaken up a bit. Maybe if I stir the pot some more I might have something to work with. It is defiantly wouldn’t hurt to switch up my understanding of fear and what is dangerous.

I used to think snowboarding was dangerous and my parents are always hoping I will give it up and get into something different, like... knitting or something. But if you look at it rationally, getting to the resort is the really dangerous part. I could break a nail or twist a knee if I go snowboarding, but if I take my car out on the road, someone might have to scrape me of the asphalt and fit me in the statistics. I’ve never tried it, but I’m sure it would be very unpleasant. Maybe I should loosen up and relax a little bit.

Today I was out to get some pictures of a ship that has gotten stuck not too far from here and afterwards I ended up on a beach all the way out on the coast in Grotle (Norway) just before sunset. It was quite windy and I always find the ocean strangely enchanting. I had a real good time climbing rocks, walking in the sand and taking pictures for almost an hour while the sun was slowly setting on the horizon. I started thinking about the waves and the warnings from my grandfather and my good friend Janne. I grew up in a small town next to a fjord where the water was mostly quiet. As a child, I spent nearly every waking hour all summer in the water. I learned to swim at an early age and became very comfortable in the water. I never really learned to fear it. I know of waves, I’ve sailed in two meter high waves around Lindesnes in a 30 feet sail boat. My dad even had to let me steer so I wouldn’t get seasick. In later years I have been told of how the ocean can change in a second. One moment it is playfully reaching for your feet, the next it is pulling you down into your wet grave. I know this, but I can’t tell the good from the bad until its right on top of me. I didn’t realize it until my grandfather told me I was lucky I wasn’t dead after a photo shoot I and a friend did during a storm. Not everything is what it seems and fear is often misguided and misunderstood. It is not always the face of reason though it may seem like it. Someone cleaver once said something like this: you should change your mind from time to time just to keep it clean.

Now my neck is twitching again... I hope that’s going to stop soon, because it’s driving me crazy!

Here is what I meant to take pictures of: