Snowboarding VS driving

“Altså, du skrive jo veldig bra... på en måte.” (Well, you write really well... sort of.) This is my first review! It was made by Per Bøen of the.... well, technically, he is my dad... and he understood at least like... maybe half of what I wrote.

Today I went snowboarding. Winter is losing its grip and is just about ready for a holyday. I swear I didn’t see any snow until I turned into the parking lot at Stryn Vinterski and caught sight of the scarcely covered, slightly dirty looking slopes. While my car was digging into the mud, I was wondering how there was still that much snow just a few meters away.

I always enjoy connecting random situations in my mind and look at their similarities. Especially when I drive. Today was no exception. Driving is strangely relaxing again, even after my accident, but I am still looking to rearrange and change my perspective on fear and danger.

To get to Stryn I had to drive for about 1,5 hours. As much as I enjoy sliding from side to side in my Hyundai Getz, it is a very nice feeling to be back on dry roads and know that your car will do only as it’s told. Combine that with the smooth handling of a Peugeot 307 SW and the light hum of a diesel engine who’s ever move you can predict, and, yeah, I was driving fast. Ahead of me was a SUV with similar intentions. These are the cars that put you in the sort of trance that only a quick look at the speedometer can hope to break. If you’ve ever tried my old, now trashed Hyundai Getz or my brothers 1996 Mitsubishi Lancer, you might know what speed is and the little numbers on the dashboard might ring a bell in your mind. In a car that feels like a train, the concept of speed is very vague, and speed limits are only there so the police can make some money off of you on a rainy day, no doubt. I try to remember what this sort of speed has felt like in a different car, on a different road. But my brain doesn’t want to remember, does it? It only wants more and more and more. Should I have taken that fear that I no longer feel more seriously?

At Stryn Vinterski, I am sliding down the hill. The map by the lift said “easy”, but this slope is beyond easy. It is almost so easy I forgot to notice how hard it was. Hard to stay moving that is. The snow is heavy and wet but still surprisingly fast and every turn I make causes a delightful spray of sugary snow in the milky fog (this caused an unpleasant memory for me. Have you ever tries to drink milk after dipping Oreos in it? The taste! D: ). But I was not there just to do stuff I already know so well I could do it in my sleep. I had set some goals for myself while this was all at a comfortable distance. After my car accident, I decided it is pretty stupid to be afraid of falling on flat ground while not thinking twice about driving on the unbelievably narrow roads around here with rocks and landslides coming down every other day. I had thought a lot about riding fakie and I had come to the conclusion that I should be perfectly capable of doing it if I just tried. Now I was scared. Not the sort of scared that can’t be dealt with though. I had picked up some speed and the slope had forced me onto my heel edge while I was still going forward (I ride “goofy”, right leg first). Turning my board to go fakie (backwards, left leg first) on my toes meant i had to turn it 180 degrees, all the while balancing my board right to avoid face planting. It went pretty good, but I did indeed face plant.

While I was still driving, I felt another emotion surfacing. A black little troll was materializing in the back of my mind. The reason was that I and the SUV had caught up with another car. The blissful feeling of good flow, high speed and spring had melted away as this was someone with a different idea about driving. Like a mental reflex I could feel the familiar frustration coming on. I have been working on smoothing out this emotional bump. The self-righteous annoyance used to come creep into my mind like a poisonous fog I couldn’t see past or even wonder at the reason for. The SUV quickly overtook this law abiding person and disappeared off on the horizon... or the next turn... whatever. I, on the other hand, was determined to calm down. I just don’t overtake cars that are right on the speed limit. As good as my intentions were, it was still a little difficult to watch the other car go. Behind me another SUV had popped out of the ground it seemed. It is beyond me why they’re so popular, but this one was hard to ignore as it seemed to be attached to my bumper. You probably know the sort. Maybe it was just trying to give me a friendly (2 ton) bump. Like “Hey there! Let me help you speed up!:D”.Though I was inpatient, I was at a good 4-5 sec distance from the car ahead of me. If this is the product of my good judgment or my rebellion against my father is unknown even to me. Can you believe he tells me off for driving too fast and then turns around and makes fun of me for NOT following too close? Something about driving seems to make us all crazy, and I am sad to say I’m not above peer pressure. Parts of my brain was already looking for a good stretch of road to overtake it, no matter how loud my reason was yelling “DON’T DO IT DON’T DO IT DON’T DO IT!”. Looking back on it, I can almost hear the war in my head. Being a girl, people expect you to be a shitty driver and extremely slow and anxious. There is nothing I love more than to prove it wrong, but I have to pick my battles and don’t get carried away. I started on my positive thinking to distract myself from the little monster that was eating away at my patience. It was a Sunday morning, I was in no hurry, 80 km/h is a perfectly good speed and I had no right or need to try to bully the car ahead of me into driving faster by pushing it the way the car behind me was pushing me. Also, I shouldn’t let myself be bullied; I’m not a kid anymore. I soon calmed down, the sun returned in front of my eyes and the music in my ears started to register with my brain again as my negative feelings slowly but now surely were losing ground. This wasn’t so bad.

Back home that afternoon I was explaining to my dad why the particular turn from forward heel edge to fakie toe edge (a sort of frontside 180 on the ground) was so difficult. I was surprised when he understood, as he is a sworn cross-country skier. I supposed he has involuntarily watched a few snowboard movies, being my dad and all. Then he asked me why I didn’t just turn the other way instead. Confused, I replied: “Nei men det er jo dritlett!” (“but that is really easy”). Then he went “Å! Så du lika å tryne?” (“Oh! So you enjoy falling then?”), sarcastic as always, wonder where he gets that from.

I don’t know exactly what my motivation was. I want to become a better snowboarder and have as much fun as I did the first time I strapped both my feet to one board instead of two skis. It was the most difficult thing I had ever tried and though I took to it relatively quickly, I don’t know why I stuck with it as I was quite prone to giving up at the time. I don’t think I had crashed so much and so hard in all the years I’d skied as I did my first days on a board. Maybe it was fate, if there is such a thing, because I have learned a lot from snowboarding. When I return home after snowboarding, I always feel a bit stupid if I know I didn’t fall even once because I didn’t try anything new. I also showed a certain talent for driving from the get go. But I was dead scared of driving and my parents almost had to make me get a driver’s licence. My dad is joking about it now, saying they have regretted it ever since. Who would have thought the table would turn just like that?

My first tries confirmed that I had been right in my estimation of my abilities with a board. I could see that this would be easy as pie if I just relaxed and didn’t anticipate the end of the world. Even though the light at the end of the tunnel was bright and blinding, I was not yet in the clear. I was smiling from ear to ear when I tried it for the third or fourth or fifth time, but I still held back just a little bit. I had noticed the light spray coming off the nose of my board on my first attempts, and I have been snowboarding for long enough that I knew exactly what it meant. It meant I was just a little bit late to tip my balance from heel to toe, and just a split second from falling... actually make that a doubly split second. Eventually, my heel edge hooked. When it did, I wasn’t surprised by the force with which I was tossed onto my back and sent tumbling down the hill. I knew exactly how fast I was going and the exact consequences if I didn’t clean up that tiny shift in balance. The ground was as far as my feet and gravity was the same old. I was scared because I knew what could happen in full detail, but is that any reason to fear something? It took me a moment to distinguish the feeling of a damaged nose from the feeling of a nose full of snow, as was the case here. When I stopped sliding and lay there on the ground for a moment it was only to dig the snow out of my nose and get my headset back in my ears before getting back on my feet. I wasn’t hurt in any way and I didn’t need to think about it. It was plain and simple, just get back on my feet.

I don’t want to be scared of driving, but I want to be right not to be scared. I don’t want to drive like an idiot and don’t realize it. We all know driving is dangerous, but it can be sooooo mellow, like a stroll in the park. When I learned to drive it was super scary! But I got used to it. Then I started taking little risks, and the risks started to seem safe and they grew bigger and bigger. My mind started to accept the bullshit my ego was feeding it. I suppose it got tired of fighting the inevitable and decided to save some energy if I was so hell bent on putting myself in harm’s way. I always wanted to keep up with every idiot that ever overtook me, even if I knew it was stupid. I never figured myself for a stupid person, but intelligence is not what it’s cracked up to be. Some things we just don’t want to understand. Sometimes when I drive fast, I look around for the switch to turn my brain back on. Surely it must be in there somewhere if I just look closely. Maybe if could find it, I could figure out if I’m being really clever or really stupid. There is a fine line in there somewhere and it’s not as easy to spot as one might think.
I am so glad my car doesn’t have an automatic gearbox and cruise control. Then I might have to drive even faster for it to be fun.... good lord.

Here is a picture of me in Hemsedal.

And another, less dignified one :P When you dress like that, everyone assumes you're good though.

Completely off topic, here the Golden Cat helping me read a book about portraits:

More art shit that I did:

30 000 pictures

The counter on my Canon EOS 40d just reset itself for the third time since i got my beloved camera back in 2008. This means that I’ve take more then 30 000 pictures with it. All this hard work has taken it’s toll. Also, being in my possession is not always easy. You might have read about what I did to my laptop a few weeks ago. My laptop have had it’s struggles, having been brought back to life 4 times by experimental fixes of this sort: “Hey, Peder (my brother)! Which of these parts is the hard drive?”. My camera has simply not been dead enough for this yet, but much to the dismay of my parents, I have never hesitated to take it out in all kinds of weather. After all, I didn’t get an expensive semi-professional camera so it could sit on a shelf and look fancy all day, did I? It has proven relatively “Ankiproof”, but now it is a bit of a senior citizen of cameras and the decay is starting to show in the form of dead pixels, sensor blooming and the likes. Also, the amount of times I’ve dropped it and nearly drowned it may not have helped. With all it’s flaws it’s still a damn good camera, but it’s lifespan might be nearing the end. So what to do? Should I spend more money on a similar camera?

I think it’s time I try something new. I have been on the lookout for perfect shots for years, and it was only recently that I realized I’ve brainwashed myself. You know there is something wrong with you when you can’t enjoy a view if you know it wouldn’t look good on camera. Like an angry little wasp, you feel cheated that the world would dare to taunt you by showing you something you can’t attach to film and put your name on. There is a little demon in the back of my mind that tells me I can make a beautiful scenery my art if I can catch it on camera. This funny way of thinking can only be the works of my ego, which is always lurking in the shadows, pulling string, tying knobs and cutting corners whenever the opportunity comes.

This has been taking the joy out of photograph for me for some time, and last year was my least productive year in a looooong time. Even when I do take a lot of pictures, they tend to stack up to the virtual ceiling of my hard drive, awaiting sorting and adjusting.

For years, I’ve been into surrealism and meanings that are unclear even to myself when I paint or draw. I love when I can just let my mind go, draw a random line, and my brain will immediately apply all kinds of images and meanings to it, in order to understand and categorize it. Later, I almost feel like I can psychoanalyze myself by looking at my drawings and symbols I never consciously put there. I think it’s time to try to apply that to my photography. I might not be better, or ever good at all, but at least I might enjoy it more.

As far as drawing goes, I’ve been into faces and people for some time now. I’ve changed my sketching technique a lot, and this has helped me to draw more. I’m a lot happier with my drawings now, though a lot of them are quite weird. I suppose it reflects the mind behind it :P Here are a few of my drawings:

I have also been doing some more naturalistic portraits of different people. The one below is of snowboarder Markus Malin. The same person I posted a drawing of a few weeks ago. Had to do another one, because the last one was really bugging me. I’ve overdone the contrasts as usual.

 I used permanent markers and ballpoint pen for this one, but I had to remove most of the color because it was a bit too much up close as I used shades of orange and red. I never thought I’d say this, but I actually wish I would have scanned it in 300 dpi instead of 600. Oh well, probably wouldn’t have made a difference. Also, it’s drawn on the cheapest paper you could get, because this paper is actually perfect for my markers and much better then thick, expensive paper.

Car crash

Since this blog is called ”Life in the rear-view mirror”, I figured it was time for a story of what I saw in the rear-view mirror the other day. It was something I try very hard not to fear. Because even though fear is quite a rational response to what my eyes were telling me, blind fear is rarely helpful. Every idle moment while driving (which seem to grow on trees these days as driving becomes less and less challenging) my mind occupies itself by playing out all kinds of scenarios that could occur if I mess up. First I thought it was the product of my anxiety, then I figured it was the mental doodles of my dwindling concentration, later I have found it to be quite helpful as it have gotten increasingly realistic and well calculated. Anyway, I had been over this in my head many times. I don’t remember thinking, but I acted, apparently. Because when my car shot forward, and not by its own force, I had my left foot on the clutch and the right had only just lifted from the break to let my car roll it off when about 2 tons of Audi rear-ended my little Hyundai Getz (speed limit was 70 km/h). It took my brain only a moment to come up with everything I had ever learned about collisions of this sort. Had it stuck with its normal pace I may not have flipped back to reality fast enough to remember that my car was still moving. As I hit the brakes and came to a smooth stop I was concentrating on sitting still. Why? The top result returned from my brain search was “neck injuries”. It had also bothered to come up with every memory on how to tackle this. Luckily my neck was fine. But, had my brain worked half as good as this when I try to dedicate it to my schoolwork, I would be a top student. However, my brain seem to take a particular liking to anything involving high speed and danger, so naturally, it refuses to remember anything I don’t need to know to survive such activities. I even remembered to check if the car was in gear before letting go of the clutch for crying out loud! Who the fuck remembers that while wondering if their neck is seriously injured? I wish my head had a shift stick so I could just change gear when I wanted to think this fast. I feel a bit cheated, though I should just shut up and be happy I think fast when I need to.

I also remembered something else that came in handy. If I put off driving for too long, I would be afraid, very afraid. When I finally figured enough was enough, and got behind the steering wheel again two days later, my hands were trembling, I felt sick and my eyes where wet with tears. Having just found out my Getz was damaged bad enough it would never be back on the road again didn’t help. I know it would only get worse the longer I let my fear pull my strings. When I got out on the road I was definitely getting emotional, but I found I that I was almost willing myself to drive like I was scared. I’ve always found my own relationship with negative emotions to be slightly disconcerting, but this was just downright senseless. So I quickly gave up and fell into my old habits of cutting turns and driving as fast as I can possibly justify. I was definitely scared of something, but what? I’m a pretty good driver (if I have to say so myself) and at that point in time, I might be scared of driving, but I just wasn’t scared of my own driving, if that makes any sense. The following day, I and my mum went to the nearest city, two hours away. At this point, it became clear that my newfound fear just wouldn’t take, and it was soon put in the corner by the itching in my fingers when I was in the passenger seat. I ended up driving most of the way.

I was still scared of something though. Right after the accident, the muscles in my neck was twitching uncontrollably when I was cold. I hadn’t experienced it since, but when we stopped to have a look at my car on the way home, just the sight of it had my neck twitching again. I suppose this is normal, but it really bugs me that I just can’t put my finger on exactly what I am afraid of.

At first I was quite keen on just leaving the whole thing behind and try not to think about it anymore. But this feels a bit like lying to myself, and this is probably the number one thing I just can’t wrap my stubborn head around. I am a terrible liar, and like my immune system goes after a virus, my mind will go after a lie, hunt it down and refuse to take my focus of it until it’s dead and gone, or I’m dead and gone... or I’m so sorry that I wish I was dead and gone. Any of those will do. So you can understand, I needed to work this out another way.

I came to think of those life changing revelations that I’ve heard of, the ones that happens to people when they almost die in an accident. I want one of those. I realize I didn’t almost die and my brain realizes this too, unfortunately, so I wasn’t about to get one for free any time soon. But who says I can’t make one? After all, it’s all in the mind right? And you know what they say about mind over matter and all that stuff. Who is to say that my mind didn’t almost die of fright? Okey, I don’t know where I’m going with this. It’s 3 am when I’m writing this and I’m expecting that this is starting to show... but bear with me, I’m almost done. I’m not saying I’m seriously mentally damage, it’s not time to lock me up just jet, but I was shaken up a bit. Maybe if I stir the pot some more I might have something to work with. It is defiantly wouldn’t hurt to switch up my understanding of fear and what is dangerous.

I used to think snowboarding was dangerous and my parents are always hoping I will give it up and get into something different, like... knitting or something. But if you look at it rationally, getting to the resort is the really dangerous part. I could break a nail or twist a knee if I go snowboarding, but if I take my car out on the road, someone might have to scrape me of the asphalt and fit me in the statistics. I’ve never tried it, but I’m sure it would be very unpleasant. Maybe I should loosen up and relax a little bit.

Today I was out to get some pictures of a ship that has gotten stuck not too far from here and afterwards I ended up on a beach all the way out on the coast in Grotle (Norway) just before sunset. It was quite windy and I always find the ocean strangely enchanting. I had a real good time climbing rocks, walking in the sand and taking pictures for almost an hour while the sun was slowly setting on the horizon. I started thinking about the waves and the warnings from my grandfather and my good friend Janne. I grew up in a small town next to a fjord where the water was mostly quiet. As a child, I spent nearly every waking hour all summer in the water. I learned to swim at an early age and became very comfortable in the water. I never really learned to fear it. I know of waves, I’ve sailed in two meter high waves around Lindesnes in a 30 feet sail boat. My dad even had to let me steer so I wouldn’t get seasick. In later years I have been told of how the ocean can change in a second. One moment it is playfully reaching for your feet, the next it is pulling you down into your wet grave. I know this, but I can’t tell the good from the bad until its right on top of me. I didn’t realize it until my grandfather told me I was lucky I wasn’t dead after a photo shoot I and a friend did during a storm. Not everything is what it seems and fear is often misguided and misunderstood. It is not always the face of reason though it may seem like it. Someone cleaver once said something like this: you should change your mind from time to time just to keep it clean.

Now my neck is twitching again... I hope that’s going to stop soon, because it’s driving me crazy!

Here is what I meant to take pictures of:



This is what first distracted me:



This is what distracted me even more:

Pick your brain

I started to write the beginning of this about a year ago. I’ve currently got a LOT of time on my hands so I figured it’s time to finish some of the stuff I have started to write and hopefully post more often.

A few days ago I was reading about Kevin Pearce on the internet. As you may know he’s a pro snowboarder who had a terrible accident exactly a year ago when I’m writing this. His story could very well have ended here, but he somehow pulled trough and has made a miraculous recovery. However, this is all over the internet for everyone to read so let’s get down to the point: I found his story truly inspiring as I am recovering from a slightly less serious sports-injury… a ruptured ACL… like I said: a slightly less serious injury :P As the winter is passing slowly and painfully snowboarding free this tiny injury is nagging at my usually endless patience. The decision between surgery and just training is still pending, six months after my accident.

With that said we can finally get down to the actual point, which is helmets. Pearce’s injury was caused by a hard hit to his head that supposedly would have been positively fatal had he not been wearing a helmet at the time. From what I’m hearing he’s been promoting helmets since. This got me thinking about how I came to get my helmet. I got it for my 20th birthday. I only get to ride Olympic halfpipes in my mind and see them on TV, but even I wasn’t safe from life and it’s lessons which it is always happy to force on you.

The story about my helmet and how we came to be inseparable starts almost two weeks before I turned 20, on January 16, 2009. In small-town-Norway, standing out is apparently a very scary thing to do. So when I arrived on my local ski resort that evening, I was not bringing a helmet, like any other person over the age of 10 that was not racing down the hill on slalom-skis. Belonging to the mentioned age-group one should also stay clear of any bright colors and stick mostly to black and blue. One might wonder how people who are free to wear anything come to be so boring. Anyway, back at the ski resort I was now on the top lift (the type that is clearly made for skiers!). It caused me quite a few bruises when I was a kid, due to it’s habit of giving you a flying start, and also traumatized my mum enough for her to give up skiing in her teenage years. But I have long since conquered this dinosaur, so I was busy checking out the view. This was around 7 pm, which means it would have been pitch black, but of course the resort was lit. At this time of year the sun is too low in the sky to overcome the mountains that this part of Norway is famous for, but even if it did, we get so many cloudy days that we probably wouldn’t notice the difference. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve known nothing but flat light for as long as I have been snowboarding, or skiing for that matter… which is always. The light this evening meant it was actually possible to tell where you were going. Aside from that, the slopes were covered by a thin layer of fresh powder. And while I was travelling sideways up the hill, it was quite except the sound of the lift and my board. Without a sound, the scarcely clouded sky started a light sprinkling of white. Sailing down in slow motion, it settled gently on my face. And then there was the icy bump that made me lose my balance. I bet you didn’t see it coming either! At this point it seems like nothing but a very embarrassing blooper. However, as the back of my head hit ice, it became clear that whoever is pulling the strings of life had decided it was time for me to learn a lesson (or is simply sadistic and bored). But I didn’t really reflect on this at the time, as I was too busy holding on to my head as tight as if it was about to come right off. Luckily for me, my brother wasn’t too far behind me on the lift. As he is very supportive and understanding, he did what any good brother would have done: he laughed at me and claimed he didn’t know me. Having quickly estimated and compared the bruise in the back of my head to the one my ego would take if I stayed on the ground for another second, I got up and rode back down to the beginning of the lift. You know what they say about getting back on the horse. This time I paid some attention to where I was going and made it to the top.

On my way down I could tell my head wasn’t quite right and already at this point I knew it had been a bad idea not to just call it a day. But I was still standing and there is nothing like some fresh powder to cloud your mind and make responsible decision making oh so difficult to focus on. Also, a hard hit to the head doesn’t help with the focusing. I was just cruising down the hill when I spotted a black dot further down the hill. Actually, almost directly below me, right where I was headed. I’m a little bit of a speed freak and my brother always says I’m going too fast. I turned my board all the way over on my heel-edge and for once I had to admit he was right, because there was no way in hell I was going to lose speed quick enough. At this moment I freaked out. I’m usually quite good at keeping my cool. In fact, so much so that after every dangerous situation that I’ve been in I remember everything clear enough that I can pretty much replay it frame by frame in my head and make out every detail of the situation and my actions. For example I remember coolly considering my options while my car was sliding downhill towards the car ahead of me, knowing my breaks wouldn’t grip in time if it didn’t speed up. Fear wasn’t an option because there was no room for it. I had no problem concluding that I had to steer the car off the road if the situation didn’t resolve itself quickly. But it was only later that I learned to perfect this while driving. My recollection of what happened next is a blur. At this point it was clear that I had to make a turn. The person was a little bit to my right, so the best option was to go left one would assume. However, I ride goofy (right leg first) and I’m not inclined to go fakie (“backwards”) in any sort of situation if it can be avoided. In a high speed situation in which I don’t feel on top of things, I’m just not going to go for it even if it can’t be avoided. The slope was steep and even though I might still have had 15-20 meters to make a turn to go about 1,5 meters to the right, I could tell right away it was hopeless. Just before I hit him there was about 30 cm left to go to clear him. Enough of the tail of my board to hurt like hell. So I remember making a split second decision to throw myself around to save the poor guys ankle. I don’t really remember how it went. I remember starting on the maneuver. But there is a black hole in between there and the unforgettable feeling of sliding downhill, head first, on my back. After slamming my board into the ground a few times I managed to stop. I turned around and caught sight of the guy further up the hill. He was sitting up, watching me, but laid down when I turned around. I called out twice, asking if he was all right. I had no idea how hard I might have hit him, so when he didn’t answered, I might have panicked just a little bit: “Oh my God! I’ve killed him!”. This was pretty much the worst moment of my life! It still hurts just to think about it, like my brain is digging away at it and working very hard to transform it into something that will suit my ego better. It is the only time I’ve considered never snowboarding again. I immediately started unstrapping my board to go check if he was still alive. By the time I had managed to get one foot loose, I looked up again and the ski patrol was already with him. To my relief, he was now sitting up and one of the ski patrol people was heading my way. She said he was all right, and then started lecturing me about how we shouldn’t be riding so close together. I immediately broke her off. My brain had detected something else it repels like a foreign object: things that are not true, espessially if the misunderstanding benefits me. This is not very smart and helpful so I don’t know where I get this from, but I can’t help it. I might be painfully shy, but I wasn’t about to let the poor guy share the blame. I was very keen to let them know this was all my fault. Not that it really mattered what she thought, but this is a personality trait that is set in stone and that I wouldn’t be able to turn away from even if I wanted to. Had I just let it slide I would have hated myself for it. She looked at me funny, undoubtedly because she had expected my objection to be of a different nature, but then quickly changed the topic to “snowboarders” and “too high speed”. As I was feeling like an idiot, I was all for her lecturing me. But still it sometimes bothers me that I let her blame it on snowboarding. But this wasn’t a misunderstanding; this is a long lived myth that just won’t seem to die no matter how many times I almost get run down by idiots on slalom skis. Assholes come in all shapes and forms, and certainly with all kinds of footwear. Back on point, the guy finally got back on his feet, and I figured it was time to split so he wouldn’t have to worry about me hitting him again. I was still feeling so bad about it that I couldn’t really focus, which leads me to strike tree of this lovely evening. I was making my way down the hill. Heel-edge, toe-edge, heel-edge and so. Usually I would be completely entranced by this. I was keeping my speed down and had turned my board sideways, balancing on my heels, but still had considerable speed. I was letting up a little bit, pushing my left foot forward so it was ahead of my right foot. I was almost riding fakie but still heavily on my heel-edge, when my toe-edge touched down. Just slightly, on a different day I might have been able to save it. If you don’t snowboard I’m just going to tell you this is bad. My initial thought was “It’s karma!”. I went straight on my face, hard enough that I saw a flash of light and was pretty sure I was dead. And this isn’t even an exaggeration. I actually literally thought I had just died. It might seem like a funny thing to think, but at that point in time the thought came quite naturally. I had no feeling in the lower part of my face for an hour after that, as a compensation of sorts I had acquired a bunch of decorative red dots where the sensation was missing. I actually tried to drive home, but I almost went off the road before I had gotten on it (again, no exaggeration), so I had the sense to park the car again as quick as possible.

Two months of nothingness followed. I couldn’t watch TV, use my computer, drive. I was exhausted just from walking to school. My once quick head just didn’t work right. I could hardly focus on anything, not with my mind or eyes. I had mood swings and would get so angry I would actually break stuff and curl up in a ball with every muscle in my body strained like I was trying to break myself into pieces or about to implode. Even at the time I could tell it was completely crazy and uncalled for, but I just wasn’t able to control it. I would also get overly anxious, stressed and very depressed. Everywhere I looked, I saw nothing but risks. Everything was something I could potentially hit my head on, and I could hardly think of anything else. Still to this day, it bothers me to lean the back of my head on anything. It still feels like it might break. I would talk about it endlessly. I could tell people were getting bored with me, but I didn’t have anything else to talk about. For the longest time, my life was nothing but a blur tinted by my concussion.

So, there you see! You don’t have to do crazy shit to get a concussion. A little bad luck and an unprotected head is all it takes.

I was going to post this yesterday, but I had to spend all evening filling out forms, waiting for an ambulance that never showed, going to the doctor and chewing painkillers because I was involved in my first car accident. I had to stop because the the car ahead of me was turning left and had to wait because of oncoming traffic. Then a car hit me from behind because there was something wrong with his breaks. Pretty much every single muscle in my torso hurts, and especially my neck, but I was lucky and will be all right. My car was damaged pretty badly though. The speed limit was 70 km/h so the impact was pretty bad. I’m hoping to get the car back as I am quite fond of my silly little Hyundai Getz. Also, as the car technically belongs to my parents, I will probably find myself carless if the damage is so bad they end up getting it back in money. Oh, well, maybe I can talk them into lending me some money for a cheaper car. After all, they paid for my brother’s car for some abnormal reason. I didn’t think anyone with their head on straight and properly connected to their body would lend that guy money, as he seem to have a particular ability to be throwing them out the window with both hands (I sure hope he doesn’t read this). They have somehow failed to discover that I am a much more credible person (and a year older… and a better driver. Just follow the money! When he gets in an accident, he pays, when I do, I get paid) and have shut down my attempts to get a similar loan. Life is unfair.

I also find myself boardless at the moment because I was on my way to the ski resort when I was hit and my board was in the back. It might still be possible to use, but it’s got two cracks in it. One on each end, about halfway between each binding and the nose/tail. I’m hoping to get that covered too.