What to do on a Sunday.

It is Sunday. My dad always tells me one should have a nice dinner on Sundays. His idea of a “nice” dinner corresponds quite nicely with my idea of a disgusting dinner. However, my dad is a solid 8 hour drive away and I’m sprawled out on my very own sofa, legs over the back of it and the rest of me buried in pillows. I’ve never had one of these before so I’m enjoying it greatly. My stomach is very empty and I want a kebab. I think about going out and getting one, but then I get wary, and then I think I can’t afford it. I am just about to settle for another meal of banana and yoghurt when I stop to think. I do this a lot these days as I’ve started to notice the amazingly impressive amount of bullshit that passes for thinking if I don’t keep an eye out for it. Something doesn’t add up about my reasoning. That stupid kebab costs less than half, or even a third of what I spend on an average trip to the grocery store, getting… just about nothing… maybe something very mildly useful if I don’t misplace it. This isn’t about money; it’s just something I tell myself. I’m actually just a bit jumpy about going out and getting it I realize. I don’t know why, because I don’t think twice about going to a store or anything, maybe it’s just out of old habit.

In the car on the way there, I’m worried. But why? What’s going to happen? I visualize it to see how bad it might be. I find this very useful, when I can manage to make it sufficiently laughable. Like that scene in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, the one with the boggart. The scenarios are endless and I dramatize them abundantly for added effect. The place is closed and the manager hangs around to tell me: “It’s Sunday for fuck sake! We’re closed you stupid bitch!”… or it’s open and I try to order a kebab and is yelled at for my ignorance to the fact that they have none left… or someone finally goes and says what everyone around here is probably thinking: That I have a completely incomprehensible dialect and they cannot understand a word out of my stupid mouth. These mental pictures make me laugh as they play out in my head. Even though these are worst case scenarios, they are quite tame, mainly because it’s wildly inappropriate behavior that could easily be shrugged off and, when laid out in full detail, I don’t believe for a sec that this is actually going to happen. If people act like shit to me for no reason, it’s not about me and I’m getting increasingly good at grasping that. I have had people act extremely rude to me before, someone does something infinitely inconsiderate or stupid and is all up in my face about how I’m stupid for no apparent reason, or someone is in a difficult situation and goes out of their way to let me know that this is somehow my fault. You probably know the sort. It usually just ends with me staring unwaveringly at them without a word till they get uncomfortable to the point of just stalking off, in which case I win. I have decided that this is the perfect way to tackle this sort of thing because then they have nothing on you, you give them nothing to go on. Also it has the added benefit of requiring absolutely no mental capacity, should it be in short supply. Last but not least, it messes with people’s heads. I never snap at people in this sort of situation and I think it is just as well. There needs to be two sides for there to be a fight, and you have to be motivated out of your mind and through the roof to fight with someone who doesn’t respond in any way to what you say to them. Also, I can never really think of anything clever to say until later anyway.

10 minutes later I’m sitting on the curb, waiting for my food (yes, it’s that sort of place). My scare tactics has not been needed. I used to get very self-conscious just sitting around alone, but I don’t anymore. “This is good” I think “it’s actually great”.